Music Monday: Just Might Change Your Life

Change Your LifeJust Might Change Your LifeSidewalk Prophets

(Listen on Spotify or Youtube)

You’ve got your reasons
Reasons just to walk away
No one would blame you if you didn’t want to face the pain
You find yourself  up against the wall
You’re scared to push cause it might fall
And it…
 
Just might change your life
You’re on the edge now take one step
And you just might find you’ll fly
You never know what will happen next
Don’t be afraid to let go this time
It just might change your life
 
You keep on reaching
Reaching for a hand to hold
You’re scared you’ll wake up on the edge of the unknown
You find your heart in fragile place
Afraid to move cause it might break
And it…
 
Just might change your life
You’re on the edge now take one step
And you just might find you’ll fly
You never know what will happen next
Don’t be afraid to let go this time
It just might change your life
Don’t be afraid to let go
 
Just let go, just let go, just let go, just let go!
And it…
 
Just might change your life
You’re on the edge now take one step
And you just might find you’ll fly
You never know what will happen next
And it just might change your life
 
You’re on the edge now take one step
And you just might find you’ll fly
You never know what will happen next
Don’t be afraid to let go this time
 
Don’t be afraid to let go this time
It just might change your life
 

Last Christmas, I hiked up my suspenders, rolled up my sleeves, and pushed on the wall. I was scared to death it would fall and crush me, breaking my very fragile heart. I wanted my husband and my best friend to hold my hand… to push with me… but they could not. It was something I had to do on my own. I had every reason to simply turn and run… avoid the confrontation… but the risk was too high.

You see this was a relationship in my life that was manipulative, draining, and destructive to my heart. It gripped me with white knuckles, preventing me from being who God created me to be. I spent so much of my life trying to keep this person happy, so desperately striving for their acceptance and approval. At the same time, wanting so badly to make them happy for their own sake. I wanted to fix them, pull them up from their darkness. But 34 years of trying with very little upward progress makes for a tiresome journey.

My husband encouraged me in October to bite off a little at a time. To start laying out the “I’m my own person” cards right away, letting them know that I could not do what they wanted me to do for Christmas. I didn’t want to tell them that. I first wanted to find a way to compromise or some sort of something to offer them as compensation for not giving in to their demands. So I waited.

October zoomed by, and I found myself in the middle of November. Both my husband and my best friend continued to tell me it was time. But still I waited.

The phone rang. It was them. Wondering if I had an answer yet… whether I would fulfill or defy their demands. My hand trembled as I picked up the phone to answer. I felt like I could vomit in the kitchen sink behind me. I took a deep breath and said “hello”.

“So… Do you have an answer yet?”

“Um. Yeah. We won’t be able to.”

A pause. And then a fake “ok. that’s fine.” Another pause. And then the various levels of manipulation ensued. I stood firm on the decision through each stage. Then came the last… the tears. I was so tempted to give in, to find a mode of compromise. But I knew I could not. My husband was holding me to it.

I took a deep breath and addressed some of the surface issues of our relationship. They turned defensive and angry. I could feel the heat of frustration and anger begin to fire up in my chest. My kids were fighting in the other room, only adding to the tension. I simply stated that I couldn’t talk about it right now. Told them goodbye and hung up.

I cried a lot that day. I just wanted to do everything I could to make them happy. It was habit buried deep down inside my heart. This person, after all, had been the most important in my life for such a very long time.

That night, I couldn’t sleep, so I wrote them a letter. A long letter. A very detailed letter. I had no plans to share it with them, but after I shared it with my husband, he encouraged me to. So I did.

The wall was beginning to crumble. I felt worn and weak. How would I face them on Christmas Day? It would be far easier to pretend nothing happened and just avoid them all together, hoping time would make them forget. That they would get happy again and I wouldn’t be the current cause of their anger.

I had the support and prayers of my husband and a couple very good friends, but they could do nothing more than that. It was I who had to keep pushing on that wall… knocking it down into pieces around my feet.

The tension on Christmas Day was thick enough to suffocate. I tried so hard to gently, calmly make it through. But gentle pushes do not tear down a wall. Sometimes it takes a bit of dynamite.

Confrontation exploded in my face. I stood up for what was important to me, and found myself surprised that the important thing was no longer this person. I gathered up my family, and we left early.

The next days and weeks… I don’t even know how to wrap my word thinking brain around it. My heart was crushed and broken into pieces. This relationship… this person… they’d been a part of my life for so long, and it felt as if it were ripped from the very depths of my soul. But one by one, God picked up the pieces of my heart and made it whole again. Actually more whole than it had been. Because where this person once occupied my heart, my thinking, my decisions, my actions… there’s now only the me God meant for me to be.

Is there a wall you’re backed up against? Are you afraid to push? Do you just want someone to do it for you, but realize that no one else can? Are you afraid your fragile heart will be crushed in the process?

Let go of the hesitation… the procrastination… the attempts at just living around it. Push. Let it crumble.

It just might change your life.

 ________________________________________________________________

In the conservative circle in which I grew up, contemporary Christian music was not allowed. After marrying, I began to listen to a CCM radio station. Much of my spiritual growth since then can be attributed to the many CCM artists and the songs they write. There is truth in those words and power in their music.

If music means as much to you as it does to me, you might want to check out Spotify. This music program allows you to search for particular songs and save them to playlists, allowing you to listen to your music whenever you wish. Best yet, it’s free. (It will require you to download their music program to your computer, but I promise it will not download any junk.) You can find all the songs highlighted in Music Mondays at the Recovered Identity Spotify playlist.

 

*photo credit

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