When a Blogger Gets Vulnerable About Blogging

forgivenI kinda feel like an idiot admitting this out loud.

I don’t know if I can do this blogging thing. I began this blog with a nice, steady line of five dead blogs behind me. I tend to pour myself into a project and then wane off. I guess it’s just what I do. Start and never finish.

But I guess I feel like this blog is different. It’s not just any old blog filled with randomness that occasionally hits the mom blog world in a buzz for a few days (or years as the busy bag craze did). This is me. This is my passion. It’s what I’ve done (unknowingly) all my life.

Think deep. Write. Reach out to those who need some deepness. Hide from the crowd, but single out one person whom I can inspire.

I want to be this, live this, on a large scale. I want to impact a scattered community across the world.

I want to be what I write. I want to write what I am. And I want what I write to inspire women everywhere to love who they are.

Then why would I slack off? Why would both quantity and quality go downhill so fast on a project I embrace with my whole heart?

The same reason I have yet to reach my health goals. The same reason I reach for frozen pizza at times. The same reason I drive a dented, starting to rust minivan. The same reason I just now looked at my clock and sighed.

The reality of the moment screams louder than dreams and ambitions.

Kids wake up too early. Breakfast needs served. Morning chores need done. School needs taught. Preschoolers have melt downs. Morning snack time is demanded by little hungry bellies who woke up too soon and ate breakfast too early. More school needs taught.

Lunch needs served. Someone spills their water all over the schoolbooks. More school needs taught. Kids need non-school attention. The dishes need done. The laundry needs rotated. There’s ants crawling under the dining room table. Close friends and family need to be called, texted, chatted with. Kids fight.

Dinner needs cooked. Husband works late. Dinner needs served. Dinner needs cleaned up. Kids need prepped for bed. Bills need paid. There’s not enough money to go around. Brain free relaxation with the husband is beyond needed. Sleep calls your name.

Where does passion and life ambition fit in there?

(Yes, I know. We could talk about finding passion in the calling to motherhood. But that’s not what I’m talking about here.)

We’re trying to get our finances in order right now… you know, the good ol’ student loans, groceries, fuel, everyday needs, mortgage stuff. It’s quite apparent that, without a raise in income, it’s just not going to work.

Christmas this year will be significantly less materially than the past ones (not a bad thing, by any means). But that means most gifts will be homemade. T.I.M.E

I’ve been searching for ways to bring in an income. That’s another thing on the plate. Gotta research. Gotta do the actual work. Gotta market. T.I.M.E.

Well why not just make money blogging? The top, number one reason is: I never want the goal of this blog to be for financial gain. If it happens, that’s fine. But that’s not its purpose. But also, making money off blogging (especially with this type of blog) takes many months, sometimes years. That’s not soon enough.

So if I’ve got the everyday realities of existence and motherhood… plus Christmas gifts to make… plus income to create… how does my piddly little “impact the world” dream even begin to matter? In the right now, it doesn’t even fit.

There are so many women out there who run tremendous blogs and shout “you can too!” There are a bagzillion ebooks on the steps to successful blogging with promises of great success. But I’m here to say…

In the daily realities of life, blogging is just a computer sitting on a desk. In the daily realities of life, dreams are just lofty thoughts in the sky.

And this… this is why I wonder if I should even be blogging.

 

*photo credit (recycling a photo from a previous post because there’s no time for a new one)

Comments

  1. I can definitely feel where you are coming from, my friend. Finding the balance of mommyhood, homeschooling, blogging, and other real life is a challenge. I wish that I had the answers, Lovely. I wish I knew what to say to give your heart some peace – I wouldn’t mind knowing for myself either! You are always in my thoughts and prayers – and my hope is that you’ll have peace about whichever path you are supposed to take….*hugs*

    • Thank you, Ginger. Been thinking a lot about you and your blogging lately. I love reading your thoughts over there. I just feels like there’s this invisible bar of perfection that a blogger is supposed to reach, and if they’re not, then they’re not a real blogger. And if I can’t follow the “rules” then maybe I shouldn’t be doing this after all.

  2. I was thinking about that very same thing lately – that invisible bar of perfection – and for me, I came to the conclusion that *I’m* the only one that can set that bar for myself. And I know those bars of perfection very well – I’m a (recovering) perfectionist and even though I have always tried to reach everyone else’s standards for myself, I’m the one that has set that bar and rules impossibly high for myself. I was feeling discouraged, not good enough, all the feelings…And I was reading someone’s highly successful blog (can’t remember which one at the moment) but she was saying that the awesome opportunities that have come her way didn’t follow the “rules” of how everyone else encounters them. She wasn’t blogging every day. She wasn’t this. She wasn’t that. It was actually VERY freeing to read her story. I think it was Sarah Bessey. Anyway, I love that God didn’t follow the blogging or publication “rules” to use her. He may very well not be following those rules with you either – but He does have a plan for you. :) Maybe it’s to keep blogging! Maybe it’s down another road. Whichever it is, like I said, I pray that you’ll feel peace. Love you bunches!

  3. http://sarahbessey.com/in-which-i-mark-7-years-of-blogging-and-god-chuckles/

    Not the exact post that I was thinking of, but it sounds similar – sometimes we try or don’t try to follow the “rules” and God chuckles. :) *hug*

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